Caring is Sharing
Stories & Advice from Millennial Caregivers
November is National Family Caregivers Month and to honor this month, I was privileged with the opportunity to connect with three young family caregivers and feature their stories on our Instagram page. Their selflessness, compassion, and resilience have inspired me tremendously to persevere through my caregiving journey and I hope to do the same for you all.
Georgina, Patti, and Kelly come from different parts of the world yet share a common storyline: They’ve had their lives turned upside down because of illnesses in the family and had to sacrifice their careers in order to support as family caregivers. But as a result, these superwomen have come out stronger, wiser, and more grateful for the quality time and care they’ve provided to their loved ones. Below is their advice to help us follow in their footsteps:
1. Adapt to a new way of life.
Georgina Ablett, a 37-year-old, UK-based, former hospitality professional, worked very hard to get to where she was in her career. She’s also been happily married to her husband of 12 years. But after both of her grandmothers (nans) developed dementia, she quit her job and now lives apart from her husband most of the week (Sun-Fri) so that she can provide full-time care at her nans’ homes. When her nans had both started to decline, Georgina knew that caregiving wasn’t temporary and was prepared for this to be her new life for at least 5 years. She essentially pushed through denial and was not only selfless but proactive about adjusting her lifestyle to support her nans. But credit also goes to her husband for being extremely supportive and understanding – they only get to spend quality time on Saturdays (which also happens to be the only day Georgina can spend with other family members, friends, and, most importantly, herself).
2. Embrace the silver lining.
It is absolutely okay to feel whatever you’re feeling as a caregiver – grief, fear, anxiety, anger, you name it. Patti LaFleur, a 36-year-old, Seattle-based, former Kindergarten teacher experienced all these emotions when her mother was diagnosed with dementia. She also made the tough decision to quit her teaching job to become a full-time caregiver and shared “I’m the type of person who gives 110% of myself into what I do, but I was only giving 75% into both my job and caring for my mom.” But what makes Patti’s journey unique is that she embraced the silver lining in caregiving. She viewed her mom’s fate as a positive experience – a chance to live in the moment and take full advantage of their time together. She didn’t let the stigma of dementia and fear of the unknown get to her. Instead, Patti wanted to have fun with her mom, like going on a day trip to Disneyland, because she knew her mom was very much capable of doing so. Her advice for caregivers? “Slow down and enjoy the smaller moments.”
3. Prepare for the future.
When her father-in-law was diagnosed with wild-type amyloidosis, 42-year-old, New Jersey-based, former special education teacher Kelly Coleman was devastated by the news. Her FIL had already been intermittently fainting over the past 10 years and Kelly and her husband were often taking him to the hospital. But instead of dwelling on this fate, Kelly started planning ahead. Initially fearful of the word “hospice”, she courageously started researching this approach and discovered that hospice care was the right solution. Enrolling early in hospice care helped provide her FIL with an at-home pharmacy, an at-home nurse to assist with personal care (he was 6’1” and over 200 lbs!), and most importantly an alternative to his unpleasant hospital visits. After having a stroke at home, her FIL spent the last 7.5 months of his life at a hospice house where Kelly and her husband visited every day to assist him with anything he needed. Their hospice house family became a very important part of their lives.
Before her FIL’s passing, Kelly read numerous books, joined support groups, and connected 1:1 with professionals on navigating a loved one’s end of life. Her courageous efforts to dive into these topics ahead of time helped Kelly feel better equipped to care for her FIL and to move forward.
4. Take care of yourself.
You’ve heard it time and time again – caregivers need care too. Self-care is crucial in order to stay healthy as caregivers – physically, mentally, and emotionally – while supporting your loved ones. Georgina, Patti, and Kelly stay afloat in their caregiving journeys because they regularly practice self-care. Before her mom passed, Patti scheduled breaks for herself in the evenings and took advantage of respite care on weekends to allow herself more “me time”. As a mindfulness educator, Kelly finds time to ground herself and appreciates all five senses as much as possible to help her slow down – such as walking outside barefoot while listening to nature or meditating with aromatherapy. Georgina has personally learned to take better care of herself physically after developing knee and back pain from lifting her nans at home, and now focuses on building a healthier diet and exercise routine.
5. Give in to grief.
After having lost their loved ones, Patti and Kelly are now navigating their own journeys with grief. This is a journey that we all don’t want to be on…but we’re either on it already or will be someday soon. Although grief is complex, their advice to handling grief is quite simple:
Grief is inevitable.
Grief is not linear.
Grief has no timeline.
Grief has no rules.
Grief cannot be compared.
So in other words…you may feel sad your whole life, but that’s okay.